147 days
by shattered-princ3ss
Summary: Buffy's gone. What does Spike do? And what happens when she comes back? Much better than it sounds I promise.
1. the end

A/N I know I shouldn't be starting a new story when I don't even have time for my other story, but this idea just wouldn't leave me alone. Italics are Spike's thoughts.

* * *

Day 1

_  
No, no, no, no...Please, God, no._

Xander stiffly carried Anya back to the Summers' home. Tara and Willow clung to each other, Willow sobbing loudly as silent tears travelled down Tara's face. Giles, as British as ever, guided Dawn, who was surprisingly calm, behind the two witches. Spike refused help from anyone. Blood and tears mingled and fell down his face, spilling over his beaten and bruised body as he struggled to return back to Revello Drive.

Upon reaching the house, it hit Spike like a ton of bricks. She was gone. He fell to the ground as loud sobs racked his body.

"It should've been me," he whispered. "Why wasn't it me?" He screamed. Dejectedly he continued, "I don't know how to live without you, pet."

He sat down on the back porch, remembering the night he found her there.  
_  
I am beneath you._

He prepared himself for the first time he would meet a sunrise in over one hundred years.

As dawn approached, Giles came outside to sit on the porch beside him. "We still need you, Spike. Buffy needs you. To help us and to protect her."

"Til the end of the world, even if that happens to be tonight," he mumbled softly.

_But my world did end tonight, why couldn't I end along with it?_

_You had such grace in the end.  
I wish I could remember what colour your eyes were  
but every time I looked at you my mind went blank.  
You had the best damn Sunday dress at the end of the world.  
The wall of flames that consumed you and everything that was good,  
"not with a band but a whimper."  
What would you do?  
Arms spread welcoming the impending nothing.  
You had such grace in the end.  
I wish I could remember what colour your eyes were  
but every time I looked at you my mind went blank._

* * *

So what do you guys think? I promise it won't be totally angsty and Buffy will make an appearance, but it won't be like how she came back on the show. Is it worth continuing? Please review and let me know what you think. The song is "Jubella" by Alexisonfire  



	2. stained

**Day 2**

After following Giles into the Summers' home, Spike went straight up the stairs to Buffy's room. He lovingly caressed each piece of furniture, ran his fingers through all of the different fabrics in her room.

He picked up her beloved stuffed pig, Mr. Gordo, cuddling the soft plush pig to his stained cheek. New tears formed when he noticed that he had stained the prized toy with his blood.

_No! No! No! Must leave everything the way she left it...The way she wanted it. She'll bloody kill me when she gets home if she sees that sta-She won't be coming home. Ever._

He collapsed to the floor in an exhausted heap, giving his tired body the rest it deserved.

And that's when the nightmares started. Even in his dreams he was haunted by her green eyes and honey colored hair.

* * *

I know the chapters are really short but they'll vary based on the days. Review and tell me what you think. I'm not very good at angsty-ness, but I really liked my idea for this story, so I'm trying to see where I can take it.  



	3. Sunset

A/n Thanks for all the support guys! I'm trying really hard to keep up with both of my stories, but finding time at my school (I go to a private boarding school for "brilliant" minds) is very hard. I promise I'll try harder as long as I keep getting support from all of you. Sorry for the long wait!

Also, this might be a bit of a stretch for some of you, but I'm assuming that the scoobs want to get this all over with as soon as possible.

* * *

**Day 3**

The viewing. The viewing. Everyone dressed so nicely. Everyone all in black. One thought ran through Spike's mind repeatedly, _Buffy would've hated this._

His Buffy was such a vibrant girl. She practically _oozed_ sunlight and life and beauty. _She doesn't deserve this._

He had yet gone to the open casket. God, he could never understand humans. _Why would anyone want to see their loved ones dead in a casket?_ He couldn't look at her. He couldn't stand seeing her lifeless. She was his salvation, his life. To see her lacking it was just too much for him.

"Spike..." Dawn whispered softly, "Do you want me to go up there with you? It's...not as bad as it seems... It actually will help."

He shook his head no. He had to do this alone. _I'm always alone._

She was beautiful. The make up was terrible, and the outfit was so un-Buffy-like, but still, she was so beautiful. She was his angel.

He closed his eyes softly, before bending over to kiss her forehead. "I love you, pet."

He stood there for what seemed like hours, entranced by her features, trying to ensure he would never forget. As long as he was on this planet, her face was the only thing he wanted to remember. He was broken from his reverie as a gentle hand grabbed his arm.

"Spike? It's time to take her to the church," Tara said softly. "Will you help Giles and Xander carry her?"

He nodded slowly. his eyes never leaving Buffy's face as the casket was closed. That would be the last time he'd ever see her. _Oh, God...Oh, God._

The tears welled up, threatening to spill, but he held them back. He had a job to do. _For her._ He nodded at Xander and Giles, indicating for them to take one side and he would take the other.

They gently slid the casket into the back of the hearse. _Careful...Don't hurt the girl...She's not there anymore. _A new wave of tears flooded his eyes as Giles led him by his elbow to his car, Dawn already waiting in the passenger seat.

_I shouldn't be here. I'm evil. Damned. Don't belong in a bloody church, but for her-I'll stay._

The service was long and boring. Spike hated it._ Hell, Buffy would've hated it._

He climbed back into the car to go to cemetery. Restfield. His cemetery. She was to be buried in his cemetery. _To torture me._ He was thankful atleast that the sky was overcast enough that he didn't have to run to the car or use a blanket.

He couldn't hear what the priest was saying-his eyes and mind focused on the casket and the girl inside it. He ignored the tears flowing continously from his eyes, not even bothering to wipe them away.

Spike didn't know how long he stood there. The crowd was gone. The grave maintainence crew had already come and gone as well.

The next thing he knew, it was raining. _Her grave is getting muddy. Bloody hell._ He was so tired. He curled up next to her plot. He would be safe for now.

Scoobies atleast thought enough to bury her under a tree. She would like the shade. _Hell, she was always treading on the darkness._ _A sun goddess blinding us monsters with her love._

He slowly drifted to sleep, thoughts of his goddess laughing in the sun filling his mind.

_It's a sunrise and a sunset, from a cradle to a casket  
There is no way to escape  
The sunrise or the sunset, hold your sadness like a puppet  
Keep putting on the play  
But everything you do is leading to the point  
Where you just won't know what to do  
And the moment that you're laughing  
There is someone there who will be laughing louder than you  
So it's true, the trick is complete  
You've become everything you said you never would be  
You're a fool _

_

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_The song is sunrise, sunset by Bright Eyes. The characters...well you know, but the story, that's all mine. uh...review er something-please._  
_


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